Well, the infertility waiting game is over, and in my case, that means a return to two months ago.
Remember December 2016? When I was getting my orders for IVF, prepping to take birth control, then taking birth control, then seeing family members, running while I could, drinking and carousing while I could, and basically living it up until it was time to buckle down and start shots?
Well, get ready for round 2. Thank you Katie for the Weekend Round up
The Wait is Over
Yoshi didn’t take. I had my 10 day beta hCG (measuring my pregnancy hormone) on Saturday morning, and Saturday afternoon, they let us know that my “beta” was negative. I was with Alex as we walked back from Bed Bath and Beyond with a new laundry hamper (because we are wild and scandalous like that).
The news was unsurprising, but a bummer. We were very realistic going into IVF, and though we had hope, we knew that the likelihood of it working the first time was rather small.
Also, IVF working the first time would have just been way too easy!
All humors and jokes aside, both Alex and I are ok. The catch 22 of being as in tune with my body as I am is that I knew that nothing was brewing down there, so those last 3 days were more of a going through the motions than anything. I had several days to absorb and process. We are focusing on the future.
And what is that future? Well, if you remember, my other embryos didn’t make it, so we’ll be in for the whole process, from stimulation to beta. This next time, they will likely tinker with my meds as well, and that might put me at greater likelihood for the risks and side effects that I told you about. Mentally, I think this second cycle will bring with it less stress about the process, but more stress about the outcome. This first time, I was much more concerned with getting the process correct to really think about the outcome. But with the second cycle, there will be more pressure for it to work, and greater disappointment (and more fear) if it does not.
So I concentrate on the here and now; the upcoming family visits, the dinners (and drinks) with friends, the runs that I will enjoy, and the respite before we buckle back down. This is my recovery microcycle in a training plan. (Don’t know what that means? EVERYONE SHOULD, and here is why!)
Return to Normalcy
We ended up not going to the movies, but that doesn’t mean that we didn’t have a good night to ourselves. Alex went for a run, I turned on a podcast and took Ridley for a walk, and then we went to Hopcat for crack fries and craft beer and to watch basketball. Then we came home, cuddled up on the couch, and fell asleep gloriously early.
Sunday morning, Ridley had to go out early (and I was elected, lol), so I got up and watched some Peaky Blinders (it had been way too long!) and then I did something I hadn’t done in 4 weeks:
I laced up for a run. A soul cleansing run. I turned on the newer Tove Lo album, got lost in the music, and put in a few miles. I brought the cold air deep in my lungs, and when I got to my favorite spot at the edge of the point by the North Ave boat (Castaways, for the initiated),
I stopped and looked at the city,
with the clouds behind it, the water lapping, and the flurries coming down. I could feel tightness in my abdomen, likely my ovaries, which haven’t had much jostling in the past 4 weeks (because I was a very good patient).
In that moment, feeling my abdomen, breathing that air, seeing my skyline, and I felt so vulnerable, but also strong. My eyes welled up alongside a song that, while entirely inappropriate thematically, matched the moment perfectly with its melody.
I took a deep breath, and I started to run again, and turned for home.
We are ok. We are bummed, but we are ok. We are so, so lucky, to be able to try again. We aren’t giving up. We are returning to normal for a bit so that we may try again. A cut back month, if you will. Because there is nothing running has done, if it hasn’t prepared me to deal with infertility and trying to conceive. I just have to be able to keep my eye on the long term journey as I work on short term goals.
We will know by the end of this recovery week how we are tinkering with the training plan.When you misstep, you recalibrate. Keep your eyes on your long term goals #infertility Click To Tweet
And, for the record, if you ask if you can pay to just eat garnishes from a Bloody Mary bar, and you do it with a smile, you might just get lucky 😀 I have a good smile, it turns out. Or it was just the oddest request of the day, and that won me some points. #worthit
We finished out the day with grocery shopping in our old environs, making cauliflower pizza crusts, and an easy dinner.
One step in front of the other. When you win, you celebrate, when you make a misstep, you recalibrate.
Do you like Bloody Mary’s or would you rather just have the garnishes?
Tell me something awesome from this weekend!