Caitlin, I am going to go ahead and apologize, because I realized that you may or may not have already heard a lot of this. #sorrynotsorry
TOUGH TALK TUESDAY
So, I mentioned yesterday that I got a call last Friday about a major opportunity this Thursday (Wow, that is a lot of day references all at once. To clarify, Friday=phone call; this Thursday=interview; I told you about it yesterday). Friday-Sunday, I worked straight through at the restaurant before being lucky enough to get the night off to come home and spend with my husband.
This means I had no time to process what this opportunity means/could mean for my present and my future. No time to process how I felt about being dragged back into thoughts about my potential career path after multiple months and even years of abject frustration, major highs at the hope of finally getting my career going and lows as those opportunities failed. Guilt over “what ifs” and certain choices that I had made (such as not take a major scholarship and instead paying out of pocket for graduate schooling which hasn’t “paid off,” as it were). Disgust with how every project (save a few) seemed to go NOWHERE. And then the interview’s committee seeming incompetence and dragging through the mud.
In short, about a month ago, I somewhat made the mental decision to pull out of the job search for my main career path and to pursue other passions. Thus my ambassadorship with SwirlGear and my decision to start this blog to both help promote the brand and explore/express all of these thoughts of mine. (You’re welcome.) Making these decisions greatly helped me dig myself out of what had increasingly become a major depressive period: I felt free; I started to feel productive as I cranked out post (thus the bajillion in the first week). I poured my energy into my posts, and I had so.much.fun. doing it. And I felt at peace with my decision to put my career search on hold.
So last Friday, I got a phone call saying that I was one of 3 finalists selected to interview for a very major position. And that interviews are being held this Thursday. Monkey wrench, thrown. Rug, pulled out.
For the past 6 years, I have been pursuing a career. The career has never worked out, and few jobs have. I am terrified of the prospect of getting my hopes up again.
The fear is related not only to my current lack of preparation for the potential questions, and to the hope that I have that I might finally be able to have a real “adult” job. The fear is, most importantly for my immediate wants and desires, related to the ways that this job might benefit my life. Like the fact that Alex and I might see each other every now and then. As opposed to just then and not now.
In October, I allowed myself to get excited about the prospect of this job and what it might mean. I literally came to HATE and resent my job, every moment that I spent at the restaurant, because it just reminded me of how much more I wanted from my life and how much I wished I could have a better schedule.
And now that I am finally to a point where I am enjoying my job at the restaurant and content with my stasis there… this phone call. And then working straight through. And then coming home to a husband who is so excited for me, and is trying to be bubbly and ask me all of these questions. And I just couldn’t handle it. Walls up; Nit-picking engaged. Alex calls me out on it. Cue tears.
It wasn’t until then that I realized just how much this phone call affected me, how scared of it, and of wanting what it might bring, I really was. As soon as I thought about it, it made sense, but by then I had already caused an issue.
After talking, we are totally fine and the rest of the night was lovely. But if I had just said, “Yes, babe, I want to talk about this, but could you give me a little bit of time to process this first? Then we can talk about it,” well, the night might have gone differently. I respond very emotionally to these types of situations because it is such a long-seeded battle. Alex doesn’t react emotionally to these types of situations, in general (he is the eternal optimist). He didn’t understand how much just getting that phone call might through me into flux. Surprise!
Talk to me, Goose:
Are you the kind of person who puts up walls and nitpicks at superficialities when you are overwhelmed, because those superficialities are all you know for sure to be “incorrect”?
Do you react emotionally to jobs/opportunities/etc, or are you able to just process immediately?
When you get an email that might potentially mean something more than sheer superficial discussion, do you save it until later, when you have time to really read it? If you get weird news, does it effect the rest of your day?
I used to save looking at grades until after I had gone through the majority of the events of my day in case I get news that I don’t want. Good or bad, it will effect the rest of my day. Alex immediately looks, then moves on. I get involved, take it to heart.
Ps, if you ever email me, and it takes me a little while to get back to you, this is likely the reason. The only other reason would be that I am at the restaurant, where I can’t have my phone out, or that I would prefer to use a computer to respond (keyboard vs. touch pad). Take it as a compliment!
Ps I am not a total waste–I made him gourmet grilled cheese after and we legitimately had an amazing night afterwards.