I feel like I am in a holding pattern.
I feel like I am just biding my time, waiting for one moment to lead to another, like I am always in some sort of limbo (and some days, purgatory), always in transition. When I finally get to one something, I find that I am just waiting for the next something. I know that this is largely the way of life: that one thing leads to another. And I know that this building upon the past, etc, is one of the great joys of life–there is always something to look forward to, if you are willing to take that leap of faith. And I do have that faith, I really do, at least most of the time.
But right now, I am feeling rather rut-ish. Like I am spinning my wheels, waiting for the workout to be over. Why?
Well, for one, I am actually in limbo, waiting on official confirmation (or just any word, really) regarding that ____ opportunity that I keep alluding to. I called the guy on Monday, left a message, and still haven’t heard more (I also emailed him last Friday). CUT ME A BREAK DUDE AND TALK TO ME. Until I know what my official fate is, I can’t tell anyone anything (because I am incredibly gun-shy with these types of things due to a great many great disappointments in the past)–be it you, the restaurant, my parents, my best friends, the woooorrrrllldddd, or my husband, who literally asks me about it every.day.all.day. And yes, I know and appreciate that he is just excited and nervous, too. But still. It’s hard.
It’s like thinking you are getting hurt, but aren’t 100% sure, so you’re not sure whether to work out on it, and test it, or to play it safe. Or if you are getting over an injury and dealing with the uncertainty as to whether or not you should start back. So. You bide your time.
Beyond this, I am spinning my wheels, health wise. I will talk about this another time (though I have mentioned it in the past), because it is something that is a huge part of my life, but I know that when Alex and I start the process of starting a family, it will be a buckle-down and hold-on-to-your-butts situation. So I am trying to savor every moment I have of still having some modicum of control over my body while I have it. But I am spinning my wheels and refusing to commit to what I know I ultimately will need to do. Largely, again, because this is the last time that my body might be, well, mine.
Right now, Alex and I are spinning our wheels, so to speak, trying to get through what we know is just a phase of resident year, restaurant week, and winter. I mentioned “survival mode” with regards to my eats on Wednesday, but really, that is what we are in, in a sense. No this does not mean we are unhappy or having trouble, so Mom, if you are reading this, breathe, for dear god, woman, breathe. It just means that, well, we are a little too comfortable with being comfortable.
You are probably wondering what the h-e-double-hockey-sticks this has to do with running/The Long Run. Well, let me tell you.
For the past week, I have not run. I finally decided to take myself out of one holding pattern (the fact that I wouldn’t simply commit to just resting my leg and letting the calf situation get itself dealt with) and put myself into another holding pattern (literally, spinning the wheels of the spin bike while I take a complete week off. To be fair, I also did the rower the other day). And you know what? My calf is meh better (but slowly–no dull ache with every step, just every so often) but I’m getting phantom pains like I did during MCM taper. And I’m feeling a bit lost.
I like spinning, I like lifting, I am loving the fact that I am seeing great and more definition and size in my muscles. But I miss the determination, mental endurance, but also ease of running. I miss the fact that it makes me feel ALIVE because I have to concentrate on every single solitary step and none of them, at the same time. That it feels like it takes forever, but makes the time pass by in an instant.
That it makes me exhausted, but awake and alive. That I CANNOT slack off while I’m running–I have standards that I hold myself to on the Tmill, and I will be damned if I will lower them! (Unless, of course, I actually need to. I’m not stupid) I miss the sweat pouring down my face, the concentration it takes for me not to lapse back into poor form, and the sheer contentment I feel after all completed runs–be they easy to accomplish, battles from beginning to end…. I miss the excitement I still get from every painless run. And I miss my flashy Ravennas!
But you know what I hate most of all? The fact that once again, though I know I am doing something that is a part of advancement, of moving forward in my training, it still just feels like I am biding my freaking time. I am spinning my wheels while I wait in limbo, in purgatory, until I have sufficiently atoned for my sins so as to be able to move on to the next phase. If this is being good, good can shove it. Being good is just so, BORING. I wanna be bad (and make it feel so good (love you, Willa Ford)). I. am. tired. of. the. spin. bike. I get on, and I don’t challenge myself. I just do my workout. I check out. I do the limbo, but without a pole and with better music.
Also, “So Yesterday” came on my Pandora today. I’m not sure how I feel about it, but it was an awesome throw-back moment.
So this is a call to re-engage. For all of us. I know that many of us are dealing with injuries or resetting our mindsets so as to encourage brighter tomorrows, but just because we are (forever) in the midst of transition, doesn’t necessitate that transition is simply a means to an end.
Consider this a bitch-slap to your face.
One of my favorite quotes is from the musical Aida:
“If you don’t like your fate, change it. You are your own master, there are no shackles on you.”
So while we all wait for that opportunity to break, to get that phone call, for that injury to heal. Let’s pick one way to change our fate. One thing to check off of our long term to-do list, before we are released from this holding pattern, and are free to fllllyyyyyy, and start making excuses of being too engaged, too busy.
I am working on:
my wedding pictures, and setting up future blog posts. Also, attempting to set up phone dates with my best girlfriends.
Physically, I am recommitting to my PT practices of old, getting back into the rower (once my shoulder has a few more days), and eating extra servings of healthy fats to promote better health.
Are you stuck in some holding pattern? Where/why/how? How are you going to re-engage in the now while you anticipate future changes?