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Lyfe Thinking Out Loud

Am I Scared of Success? #ThinkingoutLoud

quick edit: I had a really rough night last night–lots of sweat, intense dreams, little quality sleep–so I will do my best to respond but we shall see where the day takes us. Just a heads, my friends.
Some of the thoughts that I think. Or at least, I think that I thought them. Who knows. It’s a dangerous place, my brain.

Thank you to Amanda as always!

1) Yesterday kind of didn’t exist. Seriously. I’m not sure how, but it didn’t. The only thing of note that occurred is that I went to yoga. Yup. Bout it. I did do Firefly for the first time (with legs legit off the floor) and I seem to have crow to headstand pretty well (now for the second time). Getting out of them gracefully, not so much. But we’ll get there.

trex yoga

2) Ok another thing of note: I slept fine, work up not too terribly early (the usual 6 oclock standard of late), and then at 8:30 was literally so overcome with sleep that I got on the sofa, laid down, pulled up the Redskins blanket, and after about 20 minutes, sure enough, I was out. I remember waking up around 9:20, then Zoe getting on my stomach and me petting her for a bit, then the next thing I knew, it was 10:13, and then the next thing I knew, it was 11. Um. Okkkkaaayyyy??? Apparently my body needed some recovery rest, huh? Either that or my NASM material that I was watching was really, really boring (actually, it was, but that is largely because I was doing it for review).

couch cat

3) My appetite is way off right now. Like WAY off. I can’t stop eating and I don’t know what I want, ever. Well, that is a blatant lie–pretty much all I want is ice cream and oatmeal. Even more so than usual. YEAH. I think it is largely due to the recent upswing in running, but good lawd.

4) I am glad that I didn’t set up the appointment to get the carpets steam cleaned this week. It would have interrupted my name, for sure (they do this on Wednesdays). I really hope that I don’t have to move all of the furniture in the apartment for it, but I can’t imagine how on earth they will accomplish it otherwise. And crap, I just remembered that Alex is on nights next week. Well, I guess that will be a 2 weeks from now task.

5) I am so, so appreciative of everyone’s support and “admiration” for the changes that I am making as I try to re-establish myself in this world. I know that I am making the right moves, but when I was at yoga today, it suddenly just hit me: I am scared. I don’t know if I am even scared of failing. I might be scared of succeeding. Or scared of the effort (kinda like you are afraid of the marathon training until you are actually doing it, and then it just feels kind of right–at least it did for me).  But I am–I am scaredOut of my ever-loving mind. What if no one hires me? What if I put myself and Alex through all of this, and then nothing works out? Like it seems to have every time before when I have tried to make something of myself professionally?

calm down

6) As I am typing this, I am sitting here, wearing my Marine Corps Marathon jacket. I think that, if anything, that should prove that I can’t fail, if I am willing to struggle for something that I believe in. I don’t think, no, I know I didn’t believe that preservation was the right place for me, so I didn’t truly struggle for it the way I struggled for that marathon, especially in the last 2 months (I had a picture perfect training until the Chicago Half). And, I think that I have learned not so much patience from my time off as diligence–I have worked just as hard not running as I do when I am running. I need to remember that. Building the foundation, you guys.

7) I don’t understand how some people have thousands of followers of Instagram. I really, truly don’t get it. And also, on that note, is anyone else finding themselves “unfollowing” quite a few of the blogs that they used to love? I am finding that a number of people have REALLY changed their content/approach in the past few months. Not saying that doing so isn’t completely and utterly their right, but when you base your popularity off of not being a certain type of blogger, and then you sell out and become just such a blogger, well, I kind of just immediately lose respect for you. Own up, say, “You know what? I worked really hard, I got offered a serious opportunity, and I’m going to take it because I never thought this door would open up!” But don’t take said opportunity and then continue to claim to not be one of “those” bloggers. That’s just hypocritical. lori questionable activities gif

8) I also don’t understand how my cat is so darn cute. We have had several lllluuurrrveee fests in the past few days–long overdue. She always goes for Alex because he emits heat and he is a larger bed. Opportunist.

9) The Lonely Goatherd is one of the best scenes of any movie, ever.

lonely goatherd

10) It better be frickin nice this weekend, and it better stay that way. I have a race to attempt (we’ll see what I am thinking after I run today and go to yoga tomorrow), and I literally can’t handle any more nonsense. Because that’s what this all is. Utter. Nonsense. Nonsense is only permissible when it comes from ME, thank you. Otherwise, it is sinful. And this is Easter. Keep your sinnin to yourself. It ain’t gonna be forgiven if you carry on like this, weather.

I thought it was necessary

I thought it was necessary

Anyone else taken some impromptu comas of late? Anyone else have a really wonky appetite at the moment? What’s your excuse? 


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