This weekend was a bit of a mindjerk, if you will.
So I went from the highs of the last weeks, and feeling maybe not so much triumphant, but at the very least like I was accomplishing something and moving forward, feeling self confident at the very least….
To crying in public at dinner as I told Alex that I feel like each time I get my self confidence up, something tears it back down.
Let’s back up and set the stage for discussion.
I had a major accomplishment by getting over myself and running in the rain. Correction: I ran in the pouring rain. I’m not going to lie, a few times I thought about turning back. And then I thought, get over yourself. Take that first step, and get out the door. And, tellingly, I will say that it is INFINITELY easier to run in the rain in the dark, because you have no idea what you are heading into. Once the light is up, you can see the sheets of rain coming down.
I gave a rousing speech to all the trainees Saturday morning, if I do say so myself, about the merits of running in the rain and the badassery that doing so would entail and earn us, but let’s be honest, I was trying to pep myself up. It was just cool enough not to know what I should wear outside. I actually started off without my jacket and came back for it. I also stepped directly into a puddle. Straight out of the store. AWESOME. This would not be the last time I did that.
I ran to catch up with people and during that time, the rain started and stopped and waxed and waned and acted like a hormonal teen. At one point, we even slightly reveled in the fact that it was getting better and then we had the hardest rain yet! Typical. But about 9 miles into the 17 mile run, the rain pulled up. And we rain in relatively lighter air and I don’t even remember what we were talking about, but it was silliness, I’m sure. I ended up taking one of the trainees in a little faster than his pace group (this was something that we had discussed previously), and right before we got back to the store, I actually made the comment to him that I was thankful for tech gear that dries so quickly.
And then the rain came back, and I got soaked. And stepped into another puddle.
And this is the trophy picture from training on Saturday.
Gel’in like a felon.
So now to the other emotions of the weekend.
Saturday night was the first time Alex had dinner outside of the hospital in days and the first dinner we had together in a week. Friday night, I had the intro to what we knew would be pretty deep conversation with him regarding some frustrations and confusions I was having, but something about us sitting at dinner (sure, the alcohol helped), it just started to erode away at the wall that was keeping my emotions in.
Please know that I am thankful for my life, and I hope that you know how much I treasure my opportunity to life each day as I do. I have an incredible personal life: an amazing husband who loves me and whom I love to death. A family that I love and am close to. A cat that I obviously adore. I am able to pay my bills and my husband supports me in everything I take on.
But I still struggle professionally for the validation or acknowledgement that I’ve always felt I’ve fallen short of. I sit here and read the most incredible comments from you, my dear friends, telling me that I am going to do big things and that I am doing big things. Having people refer me to opportunities because they believe in me, and I undertake them because I believe in myself. And then what feels like a glitch in the Matrix or something: some aspect never fails to fall short. An internship falls apart 3 weeks before it is supposed to start because they don’t have the physical space. Or I just get jerked around by companies that make me promises and promises and keep my hopes up only to let me figure out for myself (after putting my life on hold) that nothing is going to come of it.
I’m telling you this to let you know that, regardless of how much you might think that someone has it “together” or is “killing it” or “making waves,” we are often still standing on a precipice of a tightwire of a cluster****: On the one hand, we still feel like a little kid in fireman’s boots. On the other hand, we feel like adults wearing the boots, but unnatural expectations cause others to treat us as if we are that child in those boots.
That we can give a rousing speech full of confidence on moment, as we stare out into the rain, and the next moment we can contemplate how we can hide under an underpass or even if someone would really notice if we just ran home and stayed there. What I hope that I can do is learn that, in the future, with a light jacket, a phone protected in a plastic bag, tech gear, and a great group of people surrounding me, we all can run in the rain, even if we end up stepping in puddles and having meltdowns along the way.With the right support we can all run in the rain #mimm #fitfam #sweatpink via @suzlyfe Click To Tweet
Have you ever run in a downpour?
Tell me a triumph of the weekend!