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Read All About it (IVF, ADD)

Life update time. And I’m throwing all the abbrevs @ u.

Thank you to Amanda for Thinking Out Loud!

Let’s start with IVF updates. 

From ten, seven. From seven, five. From five… hopefully 4 to be frozen and 1 to rule them all be implanted.

Basically, they got 10 eggs from my egg retrieval, seven of those eggs matured, and five of those mature eggs fertilized. I won’t lie, I was a little bummed–in a way, I feel like every time we lose one of those little guys, it is like i feel my chances of getting pregnant slipping away. I know that is rather fatalistic, and I am really trying not to concentrate on that.

Of course, in typical Suz fashion, I didn’t get the new expediently. Naturally, the IVF lab called while I was finishing up with a client (literally, had 3 minutes left to go). I called them at 10:34 exactly 8 minutes after they had called me, and left a message. I called again at 12:45 and left the rest of my information. I called again at 1:22 and got nothing. I started my therapy session at 1:35… and my doctor called me at 1:45 to check in with me and see how I was doing.

HOW WAS I DOING??? Well, I’m sitting and therapy, SO TELL ME. He filled me in, and we discussed a few details, and then it was back to business. They set everyone up for a 3 day transfer, and I would only know if I was doing a 5 day transfer if they called me the following day (Wednesday). 

By 10:30, they still hadn’t called me, so I a) asked Alex to page my doctor and talk to him and b) send a message via the system to them. I finally heard around noon that we were doing the 5 day transfer!

This is both good as well as risky–the body is usually a better incubator, but my baby box might just be crap, so this is giving me a chance to build up more of a lining. I only have 5 little Yoshis in there–and statistically, only 30% make it. 

So we will see. 

And yes, I’m nervous as shit. So I had my margarita last night, I’m having a Spotted Cow tonight, and then tomorrow, I’m locking it up for extra luck. 

ADD…SQUIRREL

I’ve talked about this in previous posts, I am sure, but I had pretty severe ADHD as a kid. I stopped taking medication for it when I found myself at a job that didn’t require much work (because why waste it?), and the last time I took any was for a marathon (and I took a low dose). Before that, I had taken it maybe 3 times over 6 months. I stopped after that. 

I’ve spoken quite a bit about my struggles with my productivity and my performance, where my career is or isn’t, etc. I attributed it to something that went wrong in my psyche–that I had lost that drive that I used to have as a kid. 

Last week at therapy, I mentioned my ADHD, and my therapist asked me how much I thought it still impacted my life. At the time, I said that sure, it did, but that it probably wasn’t so bad. 

Since our conversation (literally, I started thinking about it on the way home), it is like my world has opened up for me. The light has been shined. I’m starting to realize how much of my frustrations with myself and situations–my short temper with others, my mini-temper tantrums at certain times, like this weekendare red flag symptoms of my ADHD/ADD.  (I wouldn’t consider myself to have the hyper activity component as much any more). 

Of course, I can’t take those kinds of medications when I am pregnant, and I don’t want to get back to a reliance on those meds, by any means. But it is something to revisit when we aren’t trying/after I have a baby (willing), and until then, we are trying to figure out ways that I can refocus and engage myself without medication. 

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50 Comments

  • Reply Megan @ Skinny Fitalicious

    Thinking of you! You are so strong but I know this must be challenging. Sending love!
    Megan @ Skinny Fitalicious recently posted…29 Questions SurveyMy Profile

    March 9, 2017 at 5:08 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      Thank you Megan. Thank yoU!

      March 10, 2017 at 8:22 am
  • Reply Lisa @ Mile by Mile

    I wonder if your therapist can help you with any strategies for managing your ADHD while your at this point where you cant take meds? I know you mentioned meditation on my blog this morning…Im sure that would be extremely challenging but also really beneficial! I don’t have ADHD and I find it near impossible to control my thoughts. But its a work in progress.
    Keeping all my fingers crossed for you guys!!
    Lisa @ Mile by Mile recently posted…Trying New Things and HRM ComparisonMy Profile

    March 9, 2017 at 5:48 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      We are brainstorming this weekend about it before we meet next week. Meditation might be on the docket!

      March 10, 2017 at 8:22 am
  • Reply Heather @Lunging Through Life

    Fingers crossed!!!
    Heather @Lunging Through Life recently posted…Let’s Play Catch UpMy Profile

    March 9, 2017 at 5:51 am
  • Reply Emily

    Praying! And I struggle with not being able to focus a lot; it’s hard at church, but I love learning to just rest and listen and focus, so it’s good for me, but it’s not easy.
    Emily recently posted…WIAW: The Very Darkest Parts of RecoveryMy Profile

    March 9, 2017 at 6:39 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      I’m so glad that works for you!

      March 10, 2017 at 8:18 am
  • Reply Julie @ Running in a Skirt

    Good news about the 5 day transfer! Hopefully you can get at least a few in the freezer too!
    Julie @ Running in a Skirt recently posted…Healthy Honey Cinnamon Banana Bread MuffinsMy Profile

    March 9, 2017 at 6:43 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      I really hope so! Thanks, Julie!

      March 10, 2017 at 8:16 am
  • Reply Jamie

    You know, there a lot of great and new ADHD medications out there now (I’ve seen and heard about many from teaching) and there might be some that work better for you with less of a “jolt” to the system now. Just a thought. Also, a five-day transfer of one sweet embryo with 4 frosties to go in the freezer is a job WELL DONE, my friend! I’ll be praying…and praying and praying.
    Jamie recently posted…I Was Rude in the Hospital – Did It Hurt My Child’s Care?My Profile

    March 9, 2017 at 6:52 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      I really hope we have those little frosties to go in the freezer. I’m getting really nervous. I’m going to talk to my Psych, but right now we are scared to really add anything to the mix.

      March 10, 2017 at 8:15 am
  • Reply Heather @ Polyglot Jot

    Praying for you! <3 Glad you're working through your ADD too. I'm always amazed at how much I put up with and then when I talk it through with someone else realize wow, why am I doing this to myself?! Mostly with anxiety for me!
    Heather @ Polyglot Jot recently posted…Working Out While PregnantMy Profile

    March 9, 2017 at 7:03 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      It just made so much sense all of a sudden! Once we realize these things, we can finally progress.

      March 10, 2017 at 8:14 am
  • Reply Cora

    It may be interesting to see how this new hypothesis/awareness of the connections with your ADHD may help or change things. Like, the next time you find yourself getting revved up, frustrated with yourself or with others, to be able to take a step back and ask… is this my ADHD speaking up?…. may help to bring yourself back down. Or at least shed some compassion and understanding.
    What NOT to ask a lady waiting for a baby with no one answering her calls: “How are you doing?” Thinking of you.
    Cora recently posted…Week In Review: What Is Feeling GoodMy Profile

    March 9, 2017 at 7:44 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      I really think it will! Now I won’t try to force myself or berate myself–I will know to figure something else out. You are awesome.

      March 10, 2017 at 8:14 am
  • Reply Tiffany @ The Chi-Athlete

    Okay, okay, friend! *clap clap* Here we go! I’m keeping you and Yoshi in my prayers — LET’S GO, YOSH!

    March 9, 2017 at 7:59 am
  • Reply Suzlyfe's mommy, Clare

    ummm………YES, those are your red flags!
    You do have ADHD, and I know that because now I have it, as badly as you did! Could I have reverse inherited it from you?
    You’ve also always had a very high energy level, that like Ridley, lets you run in circles like crazy and then crash on the floor and sleep like the dead.
    Quick temper, frustration with yourself and others and snapping at those you love are some of your big red flags. Remember, the old barn rule? you could only jump your horse, if you’d had your meds. You could ride anytime, but jumping was different–like riding in the warmup ring.
    Therapy is sometimes a great way to remember things that only now can make sense.
    I’m off to the barn, and yes, now I don’t ride if I haven’t had my meds. It isn’t safe to be on a 1000 pound animal at a fast canter, in a tight space, when I’m not paying attention!

    March 9, 2017 at 8:47 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      I love you. I am sorry if sometimes I take my ADHD out on you. LOVE LOVE LOVE you.

      March 10, 2017 at 8:13 am
  • Reply Suzy

    I learned something new about the 3 day vs the 5 day transfer. It makes sense. I’m learning so much about this stuff! It’s fascinating! I’m rooting SO HARD for you. DAMN my cat just bit me. Anyway, what kind of meds did you take for ADHD? Jake was on… all of them at one point or another. Now he….smokes weed. Sigh…
    Suzy recently posted…Logging BehaviourMy Profile

    March 9, 2017 at 9:13 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      Oh geez. I took Ritalin for years and tried many of the others, but Ritalin was the one that worked for me.

      March 10, 2017 at 8:12 am
  • Reply Danielle @ The T-Rex Runner

    Fingers crossed for Yoshi! I can’t even imagine the stress you’re under, but hopefully it will all be worth it VERY soon! I am so glad you had the ADHD epiphany as well – that has to help you to feel a little better about everything that has been happening with you for the past few years.

    March 9, 2017 at 10:00 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      It honestly does. I feel more like there is something I can do about it now, as opposed to being so hard on myself for not following through. I now have something that I can work with and through.

      March 10, 2017 at 8:11 am
  • Reply Laura @ This Runner's Recipes

    Praying for you! I really hope the transfer goes well for you! I know this must be so stressful, so keep that finish line in sight!
    Laura @ This Runner’s Recipes recently posted…Post Race TreatsMy Profile

    March 9, 2017 at 10:08 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      Thank you my dear!

      March 10, 2017 at 8:10 am
  • Reply Mary Beth Jackson

    good news about the 5 day transfer! Exciting- prayers for you!!
    Mary Beth Jackson recently posted…Gasparilla Lime Cactus Challenge Race Recap- Day 1My Profile

    March 9, 2017 at 10:09 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      Thank you Mary Beth!!

      March 10, 2017 at 8:10 am
  • Reply Kelli @ Hungry Hobby

    You are totally allowed to be stressed. I think we are all try and fight it all the time, but sometimes sadness and stress are therapeutic. That way you can feel them and them move through them, instead of pretending we aren’t. Good luck, wishing you a speedy and successful implantation? Is that a thing I can say? ha ha!

    March 9, 2017 at 10:10 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      Hahahahaha i will take it!! xoxo

      March 10, 2017 at 8:09 am
  • Reply Colby

    Go Yoshis, GO!!!!! Paws crossed for you and Alex, Lady! xoxoox
    Colby recently posted…Weekly Running Recap! From shorts to snow suit, we’ve covered it all this week. My Profile

    March 9, 2017 at 10:49 am
  • Reply Abby @BackatSquareZero

    Thinking of you all and praying for a baby Yoshi.
    Abby @BackatSquareZero recently posted…Loving Lately – February 2017My Profile

    March 9, 2017 at 1:59 pm
  • Reply Evangeline

    Ha I just looove when people ask how I’m doing when I’m obviously not “doing” in any sense of the word. Thinking of you Susie as you soldier through this season.
    Evangeline recently posted…WIAW #19: A Note to YouMy Profile

    March 9, 2017 at 9:26 pm
    • Reply suzlyfe

      Thank you thank you thank you, Evangeline. And you are SO right. “doing” vs doing lol

      March 10, 2017 at 8:02 am
  • Reply MCM Mama

    Sending lots of positive thoughts your way! I’ve got everything crossed for you.
    MCM Mama recently posted…Setting Up the Perfect Race ScheduleMy Profile

    March 9, 2017 at 9:47 pm
    • Reply suzlyfe

      Thank you, Erika!!

      March 10, 2017 at 8:03 am
  • Reply AmberLynn

    Baby thoughts headed your way!

    March 9, 2017 at 10:32 pm
    • Reply suzlyfe

      Thank you AmberLynn!

      March 10, 2017 at 8:04 am
  • Reply Jen @ Chase the Red Grape

    I literally have everything crossed. I’m both so excited and nervous for you!
    Jen @ Chase the Red Grape recently posted…Friday Favourites!My Profile

    March 10, 2017 at 12:51 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      Thank you Jen. I would also like to see that ;D

      March 10, 2017 at 8:05 am
  • Reply Kristy from Southern In Law

    Sending hugs and prayers and crossing ALL THE THINGS for you! ❤❤❤❤
    Kristy from Southern In Law recently posted…Recent Things: Gruten Free, Frustrating Men and My Want ListMy Profile

    March 10, 2017 at 2:40 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      Thank you darling!

      March 10, 2017 at 8:05 am
  • Reply Allie

    So much in this I can relate too – the ADHD and therapy of course – and I could just feel your anxiety about the doctor/phone calls/etc. I feel for you woman!!! I’m hoping the margarita works its magic and you can relax and let those babies get to work this weekend!! xoxo
    Allie recently posted…The Unique History of Tarará Beach, CubaMy Profile

    March 10, 2017 at 7:25 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      I feel like if anything can get us a baby… it will be margaritas

      March 10, 2017 at 7:55 am
  • Reply Margaret

    I have ADHD and a learning disability. So I am both high energy (not usually hyperactive – but sometimes) and distractible. I tried medications for about 10 months in college and they did nothing for me. Hang in there – maybe recognizing that it is a bigger issue than you thought will help? Regular exercise, a semi-set schedule, and lots of sleep do wonders for me.

    March 10, 2017 at 7:29 pm
    • Reply suzlyfe

      Honestly, it has been so freeing to realize that the return of my ADHD is what really is going on. Now, I just deal with it, rather than beating myself up about it!

      March 12, 2017 at 11:19 am
  • Reply Tedi at Running with Infertility

    Since I’m a little late responding, I am hoping you were able to have a successful Embryo Transfer! I went through 2 IVF’s last year, and am now pregnant with our miracle baby! 🙂 Saying some extra prayers for you. 🙂

    March 15, 2017 at 3:06 pm
    • Reply suzlyfe

      Congrats on your miracle baby! Thank you so much for following up!

      March 17, 2017 at 8:44 am

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