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Infertility Lyfe Marvelous

Positives and Big Fat Negatives

In the world of fertility, a positive pregnancy test is a BFP or “Big Fat Positive.” I didn’t get one of those this weekend. But there were positives nonetheless.

This was not my easiest weekend. But I’ve had worse, others have had worse, we will survive, we are resilient.

Friday morning, after a canceled coffee date, I decided to declare Friday as my weekend instead of waiting for the weekend itself. That meant second breakfast an hour after first breakfast and a nap at 9:30. I ended up having a change of plans for dinner as well–Tiffy needed to reschedule by a day, so I made a Whole Foods stop for salad bar and ice cream on the way home. Happy St. Paddy’s Day, I’m wild. 

I watched When Harry Met Sally (I’d seen all the of the bits and pieces, but never all the way through), which I had saved to the DVR over the holidays, and then I slept on the couch with the dog because Alex wasn’t home.

Saturday

… was supposed to be a work day but instead became a food day. Then again… what day isn’t?

The day started with some time with Ridley at the dog park and then a walk downtown for the Windy City Bloggers Brunch at Davanti Enoteca! I met some lovely ladies, and we got to try some true standouts from the menu.

I got the Frittata Bianca, an open faced omelet with spring veggies and arugula, and we sampled tons of different dishes! Everything was so tasty!

To finish off the meal, the managers gifted us all with Glazed and Infused donuts! It was a blind grab, and I DEFINITELY won the day with the triple chocolate, which I split with Tiffy that night. Holy crap was it rich! But amazinnnnng.

Now, for the banana drama. What did I do with those ripe naners? I stopped by a few stores on my way home and picked up a few necessary baking supplies, and then I got home for some kitchen therapy. 

Drumroll…. I went basic and made Banana Bread Muffins. But you know that I didn’t make an standard banana bread muffins… I Suz-ified those suckers. I messed up a little bit on my recipe, but I like them even more than if I had stuck to my original plans! The result is a muffin that is so perfectly balanced–just sweet enough, but still hearty and satisfying, and right for any time of day. I wasn’t planning on sharing the recipe, but I think that I have to! 

I made two versions: one with walnuts, the other with chocolate chips. There are a few subtle differences in the batters as well, and I am obsessed with them both. I had planned to give some away… that ain’t going to happen!

That night, Tiffy and I hammed it out. We were both in a bit of a weird mood, and I think we both just needed to get it out. Basically, we went to therapy. And played with Ridley. 

Sunday.

Well. They say that not every day is good, but that there is good in every day. That is pretty much the definition of Sunday.

Positives: I slept most of the way through the night. I didn’t explode my oatmeal. I somehow timed my morning perfectly for the bus. I was in and out of the doctor in probably 5 minutes. The weather was gorgeous for my walk back. 

Major positive: I got to talk to my mom on my way back, and she made me feel much better about how I am feeling right now–my ADHD struggles and her own fears during her own infertility, to name a few. I finished the walk and the talk feeling like a human again, and, dare I say it, ready to do some work.

Positive: some good work and organization at Starbucks, a successful grocery shop for the rest of the things that we need. And a chocolate chip banana muffin 😀

These Healthy Chocolate Chip Banana muffins are my favorite! Gluten free, high in fiber and protein, and the perfect healthy snack or breakfast! @suzlyfe suzlyfe.com

I got the call about my test results as I was eating lunch. My reaction? Keep eating.. and then start to cry. Talk to Alex, tell him I just needed a moment, we hang up. I finish eating. It was more survival than anything. 

More than anything, we are just sad. I will probably go a bit more into my thoughts (as well as what NOT to say to someone right after they have found out they got a BFN) at a later time, but I want to focus on the positives. 

After I talked to Alex a second time (this time a crying mess), Ridley deposited herself in my lap and sat licking the tears off my face. 

Positives: Later that afternoon, I took Ridley out for a little run, then returned her to our apartment and went for a run for myself. It was a gorgeous day. I felt fine, though I am sure I ran slower than molasses. I ran down to my point, and a lovely lady took my picture against the skyline. There were no tears, no music, just thoughts.

Thoughts that while I am happy for every run, I never thought that I would be sad to be allowed to run. Thoughts of the positives of my day. Doubts for the future of my infertility journey. At one point, I somehow got “Oh Canada” stuck in my head. No idea where that came from (I don’t remember the song that it supplanted). 

By the time I came back from my run, I knew that I would be okay until Alex came home, so I called Mom off of high alert (she was about to fly up–a major positive to have a mother who loves you so much). 

I spent the night with beer and pizza, ice cream, doggy cuddles, and documentaries.

There ARE positives in every day, even when you get a Big Fat Negative #infertility #ttc Click To Tweet

I’m not optimistic usually, and especially not right now. But, I’m trying to stay positive. I have amazing support from family, friends, and doctors. Thank you to everyone who reached out to check in, and thank you to those who contribute to the positives in my life.

Thank you, reader, for reading, and I hope that you had a fantastic weekend and a kickass week!

Looking for a Meatless Monday Recipe? Try my Baked Kale Falafels until I get you all that muffin recipe. 

Let’s start the week off with positives from the weekend! Lay them on me!

Banana Nut or Chocolate Chip Banana? Do you like muffins that are sweeter or more balanced?

Thank you to Katie for Marvelous Monday.

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