I cannot let yesterday’s announcement of my pregnancy pass without a note to my infertility warriors.
Back in January, when I underwent my first egg retrieval and embryo transfer, I had fears. Not just fears that the process wouldn’t work (and how real those fears were), but fears that the process would work. That it would be “too easy” and that I would not be “legit” enough to be an “infertility warrior.” I discussed these feelings a few months back.
This time around, there was no doubt in my mind that I was an infertility warrior: the possibility was very very real that the Frozen Embryo Transfer would not work. In fact, 30 of the 45 minutes prior to us finding out that my beta hCG test was positive was spent by Alex and myself on our balcony, discussing the fact that I didn’t think the transfer had worked, coming to terms with this “fact,” and deciding how quickly to start the adoption agency vetting and application process. When I got out my computer to email the doctors to ask them to please call us (a story I will go into more detail with later), I might as well have been starting to look up agencies.
My point is this: yes, I am (currently) pregnant. But I am still one of you.
I know the fear that you feel. Because I still feel it. That is why we kept this pregnancy so quiet for so long. I was too afraid of jinxing it, or something going wrong. I knew that you all would be supportive as ever, and I also knew that certain things were beyond my control, but when you have nothing to do to change an outcome, you latch on to anything.
But even though I spent the majority of the months of May and June as pregnant and relatively mum on the subject, as I look back, I do not think I have ever quite so much lived the life of an infertility warrior as then.
Those were the months of the deepest personal growth for me. The months where I realized that no matter what happened, I and we (as a family) would be alright. The months where I came to terms with my infertility and just as quickly with my fertility, and very much so with the tenuous nature of my fertility.
The months where I felt the exhilaration as well as the stress and heartbreak of thinking that you had lost the baby. Of knowing you had lost the baby.
Then getting that one chance and making the decision in that moment that, whatever they asked of you, you would do it.
And being petrified that it wouldn’t work out.
Please know that I do not take one single moment of this blessing for granted. I am so thankful for every heartbeat that makes a weird squishy noise in my abdomen. I can honestly tell you that NEVER in my life have I wanted to feel nauseated or to have to vomit every morning (more on this later as well).
A brief aside: I am also not stupid enough to really have wanted to feel nauseated–I know enough horrible stories from women such as Brittany who were put through the ringer there, and that was very much a cherished pregnancy.
To my infertility warriors:
I am still one of you. Yes, I am pregnant, but I still feel and understand your fears. Just like with my Crohn’s Disease, I would never ever wish this plight on anyone, and I never would choose it for my life path, but I am also thankful that these chronic conditions (because infertility is very much chronic!) have given me a perspective that helps me cherish what I am going through. That helps me understand what a gift my condition is. How lucky I am.
I want you all to know that I am here for you. That I stand beside you. If you want to talk, let’s talk. If you don’t want to talk, that is fine, too. I will be here if you ever want to do so. If you can’t stand to read my posts that talk about my pregnancy, I understand.
But I am sending you love and hope, whether you want it or not.A note from Suz to her infertility warriors: I am still one of you. #infertilitywarrior #infertility Click To Tweet
New Blogging Schedule
My plan, for the near future, is to post Pregnancy Updates on Tuesday, and to keep to my usual programming of Monday as my Weekend Recap, Wednesday as Running Coaches Corner, and Friday as the Friday Catch up and maybe a recipe or whatever.
So if you want to skip those days? You do you. But I would love to have you here.
All of my love, all of my hope, all of my strength.
And a few licks from Ridley and a headbutt from Zoe (hey, they do what they can).
All Alex has to offer are colonoscopies, and I don’t think you want that….
Please share anything you feel comfortable sharing?
Infertility warriors with children–did you feel that your pregnancy(ies) made your fellow infertility warriors step away?
Sharing with Thinking Out Loud.