Right now, I feel I am at mile 13 of a marathon. Issues are starting to pop up, you are realizing that you aren’t infallible, that this is REAL, and you are starting to get to the point that you a) shouldn’t do math and b) shouldn’t make any major decisions. I’m just hoping I don’t hit the wall.
Let’s just say that this weekend was a rollercoaster of emotions, several wins, and several moments where I just said F*** (in all caps). IVF thus far isn’t taking such a toll on my body, but the responsibility of it and questions that it brings up are starting to really sink in.
Case in point? I messed up.
After having a session with my psychiatrist which ended with us reopening the discussion of me being hard on myself when it comes to some very particular aspects of my life (oh, hell, most aspects of my life), I dropped the ball on two parts of IVF. Saturday morning, I totally forgot to go in for labs and ultrasound.
I could go into the details of why I missed it, what contributed to me forgetting, but to make a very long story short, I forgot to go in for labs and ultrasound while I was WRITING A POST ABOUT IVF RISKS. Literally talking.about.IVF. Luckily, after a series of worried emails and calls and freaking out and then finally talking to a nurse, I was told that I had not, in fact, ruined everything and that things would be ok because I wasn’t super far along.
The rest of the day was fine, and that night I did my shots before heading out into the night (which was spectacular, and I’ll get to in a minute.
Sunday morning, as I was getting my coffee before heading down to the hospital, I double checked my meds and realized that I didn’t have another Gonal F pen. Nor did I have enough for the night, even. I got in touch with the nurses and let’s just say that the rest of the morning went by in a blur of tears, feeling worthless and irresponsible, and then a MAJOR scare of how much we were going to have to pay to get the medication filled locally.
I just felt so dumb. Dumb, wreckless, irresponsible. I totally accept all responsibility for the snafu, but I guess I didn’t understand what they meant by “refill”–I thought that “refills” meant subsequent IVF cycles, not just as needed. I had noticed that we were getting lower, but I guess it didn’t occur to me how fast we would run out, nor how long it would take to get the refills in (48 hrs from the specialty pharmacy).
You know those times when, during a race, you realize that you forgot your fuel or your fuel fell out or you dropped your fuel? That was this time. But, like one hopes will happen in a race, your support crew meets you and throws you an emergency just-in-case pack of fuel/glasses/whatever.
That was this moment. I am SO lucky to have an amazing support crew in my husband, who a) can stay calm under this sort of pressure (hello, doctor) and be knows how to deal with Susie meltdowns. Another long story short, MY HUSBAND IS MAGICAL and saved the day in a huge way. A HUGE way.
Moments like these make me freak out. They make me question if I am fit to be a mom. If I am worthless. They take me to a very defeatist place. I REALLY smell a Therapy Thoughts post on that topic now. But what about the rest of the weekend?
Friday, I got ramen with Tiffy at Furious Spoon (which has awesome jams and tasty eats, if a tad overpriced!). We are both in the midst of these mental storms right now. She is dealing with her foot and trying to progress back to running, and I am “hormonal” (well, honestly, I have hormones, and that is pretty decent change over normally). We laid it all out there (and I got double pickled vegetables, because you know me), something we probably should have been careful about considering we are both nearing a certain part of our cycle. #HotMessExpress but at least in good company.
The highlight of Saturday was Saturday night. Alex and I celebrated our Holidays with a night out and Phantom of the Opera! We try to do something special every holiday season (last year we went to dinner and Nutcracker, the past years movies and sushi), and this was our night out!
We went to Nick’s Seafood Grill at the Merchandise Mart, and it was delightful. We started with Sweet Chili Calamari (as seen on IG),
then I got the Black and Bleu Ahi Tuna (which I have no clue why it was called Black and Bleu because it was cajun dusted with a sesame slaw. DELICIOUS ahi perfection, but definitely not Black and Bleu…) and Alex got the Lump Crab Cake Sandwich. Our dinners were fabulous, and the perfect pre-theater meal!
Then, it was time for Phantom! Alex hunted and splurged on some great seats for us, and we had a fabulous view of the stage (and all the people to watch) from the first balcony. The performers were incredible, and it was great to finally see the show live (I’ve known the music for a long time (and I used to be able to do most of the notes!), and I’ve seen the movie).
I also loved watching Alex watch the show. He was so in to it! It tickles me how much he loves theater. It is a real, honest to goodness treat or moment for him. One of these days, he needs to see Les Miserables (that show changed my life) and Aida (the Elton John version, not the opera. I’ve seen it 3 times).
Sunday night came to a close with doggy walks and dinner at home. After an emotional weekend (and particularly an emotional morning) of ups and downs, I needed to have some neutral time with Alex (who is finally off of service!). We literally laid on the couch with Ridley, my with my scarf over my eyes, just chilling. We had an early dinner and watched UVA.Yet again, the ups and downs of a marathon=> life (and #IVF) #infertility Click To Tweet
This week is going to be a bit “hold on for dear life”–I’m going to have to play it by ear, essentially. We are thinking the egg retrieval will happen towards the end of the week, but I am now on the anti-ovulation shots as well as the ovary stimulation shots (at night). Things are continuing to increase, I have follicles (who knows how many, but still, YAS). I am continuing to feel well overall, though I am obviously a bit more emotional than normal. Probably shouldn’t make any major life decisions this week… OH WAIT.
Yet again. Marathon = life.
What mile of the marathon are you on?
Have you ever forgotten or lost something midrace?