If you recognize that from Forest Gump, congratulations, you speak movie quotes. And the pictures are random, but make me happy. They are from when I was scouting our wedding venue summer 2012.
I’ve been noticing these types of posts all over the blog world of late. I don’t know if it is the polar vortex that is sucking it out of us (and the rumor is that there is another one coming, brace yourself), or the start of the year and thus the need to do some soul searching, but whatever the reason, this post is particularly salient and of the moment, though when I wrote it, it was not intended as such. And I will also readily admit that my contribution is not the most eloquent. I thought about holding off, polishing my thoughts, and then publishing, but right now, I just need to get it OUT. So stay strong my friends, muddle through, and please lead me some feed back. I would love to hear your thoughts.
I run for a great number of reasons. Some times I force myself to run, some times I have to force myself NOT to run. Why? To cope and to resist coping and instead to fight back.
It’s no secret that I haven’t been in the best mental state for the past 4-5 months. Moving to a new place, the adrenaline let down after the wedding, honeymoon, and new apartment-moon, a confusing series of injuries that threatened to derail my big marathon attempt, continuing let-down re: job hunting, hormonal changes, the inconsistency of seeing Alex, and, honestly, just feeling disconnected from people and places and things that I love.I am fully aware that I could and should do a better job of telling myself to ::slap:: “Snap out of it!” (Yes, another movie quote), but it just isn’t that easy.
We all have different methods of coping. I work out and run, and I started this blog. Not only because these elements are my passions, but because they make me feel productive–if nothing else, I have something to write in my planner saying, See, I did this! From the outside, the fact that I work out, run, blog, eat, whatever the way that I do may not seem “normal,” but I have increasingly realized how necessary they are to my mental and emotional state. How they help me get beyond myself, even though they are based on selfish acts, essentially.
I have a tendency towards hermit-ness; I am definitely an introvert through and through, though I absolutely crave my people time. It can be hard for me to make myself get out there, socially and professionally–I’ve discussed before, but I’ve gotten to the point that I think I am scared of the emotional involvement necessary for relationships because I am worried (subconsciously) that I will fail or they will be taken away from me.
Running helps me find a bit of a happy medium with regards to these needs: I can just go out and run, focus on absolutely nothing but the goal at hand. Yet when I run I feel connected to the world around me and to the running community at large. At that moment when I totally close the world off, I somehow let the world in.
Things may or may not happen for a reason, there may or may not be a determining factor or a larger plan. I know that things happen, and life is built on your reactions to those events. I try to find the humor, or the positive, in the situations that present themselves. I don’t do this because I am a naturally optimistic person, but rather rewind just isn’t an option: I can’t go back and change things, so I must move forward.
Every step carries me towards a finish, though I don’t know where that finish lies. And I am running towards it not to get to that finish faster, but so that I can see more sights along the way.
And, let’s be honest, there are far, far worse things I could do (than go with a boy, or two… another movie quote for you).
So for now, I will keep running, until one day, maybe I will just be ok, and ready to stop. Hopefully I won’t lose of year of life and grow a beard along the way, but maybe you’ll join me on my journey just the same.
Thank you for sticking with me, if you did. And if not, you likely aren’t reading this, so bully to you. I didn’t like you either.
But seriously, I just needed to get this out.
And because we all need pretty pictures in our lives. And a reminder that warmth with return.