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Infertility Lyfe Thinking Out Loud Tough Talk

Living on the Edge.. of Anxiety

Do you ever feel like you are living on the edge of glory of anxiety? That is kind of where I am at right now. Life is good, but anxiety doesn’t care about that!

Ah, life. So many lifey…. things. 

Mental Health Update time. Right now, I’m living on the edge of anxiety, but it isn’t all terrible. I’ve got some clutch and amazing people and things in my life keeping me together.

Do you ever feel like you are living on the edge of anxiety? That is kind of where I am at right now. Life is good, but anxiety doesn't care! @suzlyfe

Do you ever feel like you are living on the edge of glory of anxiety? That is kind of where I am at right now. Life is good: I had an amazing weekend with my mom, my Crohn’s Disease is behaving, I am running and enjoying myself, the sun is out–there are some blooms even!–Cubs baseball is back, Alex and I might get to see each other at some point…. What could I possibly have to complain about?

Just because there is nothing to complain about doesn’t mean that you can’t be living on the edge of an anxiety meltdown.

This was (obviously, or maybe not so obviously) a hot topic in my therapy appointment on Tuesday. A constant in the life of someone living with clinical anxiety disorder is the fact that the specter of change as well as change itself + the possibility of everything going straight down the toilet, both long term and in the immediate future + (in my case) serious performance anxiety + the threat of losing control => living on the brink.

NO MATTER HOW HAPPY LIFE MAY BE. No matter how happy YOU may be. 

The result? Happy moments, largely happy days, but nights of sweaty anxiety dreams and moments where you feel like you are losing your breath.

Truth is, I/we is/are on the precipice in many ways: Alex and I are prepping and about to start the next round of infertility treatments (I will have more on that soon. I’ve written the post about the next step, but I need to do some fact checking first!), I got my new job and am halfway through training. As supportive as my wonderful husband is, he hasn’t been able to be that physical presence in my life recently (in no way his choosing). 

And I, as ever, am suffering from serious performance anxiety:

  • In my new job (I haven’t been a server in 3 years, I am now doing it without medication for my ADHD, it is a well established company and I need to find myself within it)
  • With my upcoming infertility treatment (What if it doesn’t work? What if we discover that I can’t produce viable embryos?)
  • With my upcoming infertility treatment (What if it does work? Then comes the anxiety of miscarriage, of congenital defects, of visible and invisible disease. Of my one chance at having my own child potentially coming true and then losing it all.)

There are a few other aspects of my personality that are pinging right now, as well, and I am just giving myself grace, but almost defiantly so. So then I am wrestling with the fact that I am “giving myself grace” but might be taking it too far… but yet I also kind of don’t care. I know that those feelings are rooted in feelings of control, or lack thereof. 

But that also is in the back of my mind. Even the defiance and the very fact that I kind of don’t care that I am giving up control… is at play. Basically, in that arena, I am on the edge of anxiety because I don’t have anxiety about something!

Living on the edge... of anxiety can happen even when life appears to be roses #thursdaythoughts #mentalhealth Click To Tweet

Round and round we go.

I don’t have a solution to offer, either to myself or to you. I wish I did. Similarly, I don’t always know how to react to/deal with/heal from the blows of infertility. I can tell you what to say and what not to say, but let’s be honest, at the end of the day, that doesn’t solve the problems. 

When it comes to anxiety, I don’t know what to tell Alex or my mom so that they can help me as I am in the throes. Unlike infertility, I don’t even always have an emotion that makes sense. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. 

This isn’t to be a downer post. These are just my thoughts. Out loud. (thanks Amanda)

More to come. Because you know that I will never stop fighting. 

What is an emotion that you struggle with at times that others might not understand?

Do you deal with performance anxiety?

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