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Infertility Lyfe Thinking Out Loud Tough Talk

I am an Infertility Warrior… But Am I?

As we start round 2 of IVF, I find myself both a perfect example of an infertility warrior as well as someone feeling a bit unworthy of the title. 

Such cool news! I was featured on Bumps to Baby yesterday for Warrior Women Wednesday, telling a bit about my story, as well as offering some words of comfort and strength (I hope) for all of us going through this infertility journey.

Infertility Warrior. What Earns that Title?

I am an infertility warrior... but am I? What makes someone a warrior for a cause? @suzlyfe

Such a title. One that I have adopted, but one that I sometimes find that I question with regards to myself. 

Yes, I deal with infertility. Yes, we have been trying to start a family for at least the minimum amount of time that it takes to be considered “dealing with infertility.” No, Alex and I would not be able to conceive on our own (you’ve already gotten that background here). And yes, even though we have started the process, we have hit some speed bumps. 

But I still struggle with feeling like I am worthy of the title of “infertility warrior.” Probably much in the same way that someone who runs more slowly or does a run walk or has just started running feels about calling themselves a runner. But don’t we say that, if you run, you are a runner? 

Does the same apply here? 

Or do you have to be several years in, have gone through the gauntlet of dealing with x numbers of failed transfers, x numbers of miscarriages, x number of heartbreaks.

I’m totally comfortable thinking about myself as an IBD warrior. I may have it a bit more easy now, but I didn’t in the beginning, and at several times over the course of my disease, I have had to deal with really rough periods where I have been extremely sick. I may still have my entire digestive system, but we all know that doesn’t mean that it always works. 

But I don’t feel like I’ve been through the gauntlet yet with infertility the way so many have. I haven’t been trying for four years, or had 7 years of failed IVF. I haven’t yet had to deal with severe OHSS (explanation here). I will be honest and tell you that I hope from the bottom of my heart that I never have to deal with any of that.

I feel like I haven’t yet felt the soul-crushing disappointment that seems to be the trademark of infertility. 

When we got our negative hCG test a few weeks ago, I was disappointed, of course, but I also had had a feeling for several days that it wasn’t going to happen. We had sort of prepared ourselves for it not to work. Again, that doesn’t mean that I didn’t want the IVF cycle to work, I just had time to prepare myself. 

This time around, I know that I will react differently. This time, I know the process. I am not worried about the shots or the ultrasounds or the labs or the number of times I will need to go in. I am a little worried about how I will react to the increased levels of medication, and the fact that I might end up with some OHSS symptoms. I am worried, but trying not to entertain the thought, of what will happen/etc if this round doesn’t work. There is a lot more pressure for a positive result the second time around. 

Will I need a second failure in order to feel like an infertility warrior? Will I need not only to experience not only struggle but something even further?

I don’t know. If that is what I need, then I hope I never do reach infertility warrior status. I hope I feel like a sham and a fraud for the rest of my life.

And do I need to feel that I am an infertility warrior? Does that empower or victimize me?

I think it does something different for every person.

I am a warrior for women, a warrior for men. I like to think that I am an Expectations Warrior. 

What makes you a warrior? Is it in how much you struggle? Join the discussion #infertilitywarrior… Click To Tweet

And I am going to live beyond them.

Labels do not define who I am, or what I am going to do with my life. 

What label do you struggle with, though you might technically illustrate?

I would love any other thoughts!

Linking up with Amanda for Thinking out Loud Thursday.

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  • Reply Tiffany @ The Chi-Athlete

    *slow clap*

    I’m so proud of you for having a mindset that’s your own, Boo. Maybe “proud of you for” isn’t the right wording; I’m just proud that you’re my friend. One of the many things I love about you —-> you don’t compare your journey to others, and you certainly don’t adopt others’ views with your own experiences.

    February 23, 2017 at 5:33 am
  • Reply Maddie

    I think we are warriors for just getting through the day sometimes. Going to all of the baby showers, going to the hospital to greet our friends newborn babies, sitting around listening to endless conversations about breastfeeding and sleep patterns and lack of sleep. It’s so painful on a daily basis… I can’t speak for you but for me, this pain is much deeper than any physical pain of treatments. We just have to slap on that smile and keep on fighting! One day it will all make sense even if it doesn’t right now.

    February 23, 2017 at 5:50 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      I totally agree. I have tried to keep myself from getting too immersed in all of the conversations to protect myself, maybe that “warrior move” is also one of the reasons I don’t feel like I am fighting as much as others.
      LOVE YOU

      February 24, 2017 at 2:13 pm
  • Reply Heather @Lunging Through Life

    You’re such a warrior in so many ways. I don’t think there’s a time limit at all for being a warrior. You’re so strong and handle things so well. I’m so proud of you for this!!
    Heather @Lunging Through Life recently posted…5 Easy Ways to RelaxMy Profile

    February 23, 2017 at 5:51 am
  • Reply Michael Anderson

    I have two kids in college and consider myself an infertility warrior. I am a man and consider myself a miscarriage survivor. These things, once they touch you life, leave you changed forever. We are not like our friends who could seem to will themselves pregnant. You earn the title not through time or a number of failures, but by choosing to engage in a battle with them, to allow them to entwine in you life but not define it.
    Michael Anderson recently posted…30 Days of Gratitude RevisitedMy Profile

    February 23, 2017 at 5:57 am
    • Reply Suzlyfe's mommy, Clare

      Michael, thank you for saying this. I so totally agree with you.
      Once these things touch your life–the pills, the shots, the miscarriages, the disappointments–you just see having children in a different way.
      I want to strangle the young moms who have “throw away kids,” who get pregnant just by looking at a guy, and often just dump “the kid” on their own moms to raise–moms who are likely still trying to raise them!
      As we have older kids, we have passed the cute new baby stages. You have college kids and I have full grown adults, but I don’t forget the fact that it wasnt just a breeze trying to have a family. I guess that makes me a survivor, too.

      February 24, 2017 at 8:13 am
      • Reply suzlyfe

        We are all survivors of our lives. And you raised me, so you are DEFINITELY a survivor!!!

        February 24, 2017 at 1:35 pm
    • Reply suzlyfe

      I love that you came in here as part of the warrior discussion, because you are 100% correct. I was speaking of just myself–but the guys/partners are totally a part of this! I want to talk to Alex about this now. Thank you for the inspiration for that conversation!

      February 24, 2017 at 2:11 pm
  • Reply Marcia

    Personally I don’t care for labels, unless they are interpreted as empowering so I typically resist any urges to assign them. Fertility struggles, like running and many other things, are parts of a unique journey and can’t/shouldn’t be compared with that of others. If Warrior uplifts you, then sure own it. Hang in there, my friend!
    Marcia recently posted…Running Genie in a BottleMy Profile

    February 23, 2017 at 6:10 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      I like this look at the labels/titles. I totally agree.

      February 24, 2017 at 2:10 pm
  • Reply Heather @

    This hits home with me. I completely understand your struggle. I, too am dealing with infertility and will be doing my 3rd round of IUI (nightly injections) soon. BUT I have not had to do IVF yet. IVF is the “ultimate” infertility treatment… so does that mean I’m not a warrior? Since my procedure isn’t as invasive or costly, do I still get that title? It’s still hard emotionally and physically, but it’s “not as bad” as IVF. But a person who run 3 miles @ 11:00 pace is just as much a runner as person who runs 16 miles @ 7:00… Great post and baby dust!!!

    February 23, 2017 at 6:28 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      Baby dust back to you! That is so interesting that you think you are less than because you just haven’t done IVF. I think you are a warrior!

      February 24, 2017 at 2:09 pm
    • Reply Suzlyfe's mommy, Clare

      Heather, I just love this. Thank you.
      You have hit a nail on the head that so needs to be pounded. Why in this world do we have to compare our personal journeys to everyone else’s and have the fastest, the baddest, the biggest…..the bestest whatever?.
      I have never run a half-marathon, but I have walked 6 of them. Since I’m not in the first corral does that make the distance any less important to me? does my 4 hours on the course count less because its not a qualifying time?
      We each have our own journey to make –I wish you the best on yours.

      February 24, 2017 at 6:17 pm
  • Reply Jamie

    I read your post on Liz’s site yesterday and commented! So proud of you. Here’s what I have to say about this…I never considered myself an “infertility warrior” until after. Here’s why: I literally did not know a single other woman going through this. Mine was a quiet and isolating struggle. You don’t give yourself a title when your on an island. The idea of “warrior” is still new to me. I did what I did because it was what I had to do do get my children. It wasn’t really a battle I considered not fighting. But it felt more like a battle with myself, or more of a spiritual battle, than one against infertility which feels abstract. I say it doesn’t matter how much you “go through” that makes you a warrior. I say it’s the persistence and the confidence and the change you see in yourself through it…no matter how it ends.
    Jamie recently posted…Here’s Why We All Love “This is Us”My Profile

    February 23, 2017 at 6:32 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      And I know so many. Your situation during your infertility is similar to my situation during the biggest part of my crohn’s flare. I definitely didn’t consider that there was even a battle to be fought–It was just my life.

      February 24, 2017 at 2:08 pm
  • Reply Wendy@Taking the Long Way Home

    A warrior is strong, courageous, and fearless. I’d say that sums it up for you! Stay the course. You’re fighting a tough battle. A lot of us have been there. We’ve got your back.
    Wendy@Taking the Long Way Home recently posted…I’m Springing For Prana! #spring4prAnaMy Profile

    February 23, 2017 at 6:35 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      Thank you, Wendy.

      February 24, 2017 at 2:06 pm
  • Reply Cora

    “Warrior: a brave or experienced soldier or fighter.” (Merridian Dictionary)

    Not necessarily… “someone who has lost countless times and is still standing through the heart brake,” but rather someone who is on a journey and fighting a fight with courage, no matter their stage of that journey. I do see you as this “warrior” not because of any of the unfortunate experiences you have had, but because you are simply working each day to step one foot infront of the other and keep your eyes only on your dream; the end of the journey. I was once called a recovery warrior. Ha. Can you say “fraud”? I am by no means a recovery warrior. I am still IN the fight of recovery and most days not feeling anywhere near the status of winning that journey. But. I am continuing to fight for it every day, so maybe that makes me like an apprentice warrior? Warrior minion?
    Cora recently posted…A Rant: Why Do I Feel Like I Eat More Than Anyone Else?My Profile

    February 23, 2017 at 7:10 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      I think you are a recovery warrior because you are in the midst of it! You are fighting the fight. Every. Day.

      February 24, 2017 at 2:06 pm
  • Reply Suzy

    Interesting. My sister and I were just talking about labels a couple of days ago. I used to hate them, but since having kids with issues, I have come to realize that the only way that they have been able to get help was by getting diagnosed…with labels. I used to roll my eyes at parents whose kids have ADHD, ADD, dyslexia, etc because I thought it was just a bunch of doctors tossing around labels just to get the parents off their backs. Medicate the kids, turn them into zombies, and get them out of the doctor’s office. BUT NOW? I realize that while maybe SOME kids get over-diagnosed (but whose business is it mine, anyway? I’m a douche!) in my experience, my kids’ labels given by specialists have allowed them to thrive socially, academically, personally, in a way that they’d have otherwise struggled with.

    So? Labels can be restrictive, or they can set you free.
    Suzy recently posted…Check Out and Stay InMy Profile

    February 23, 2017 at 7:19 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      Exactly. That is my conclusion as well. And then when you get to the idea of titles vs labels, it gets even more confusing. Labels are such a slippery slope.

      February 24, 2017 at 2:05 pm
  • Reply Julie @ Running in a Skirt

    Good luck with starting round two. Lots of prayers and baby dust your way!!! xoxo
    Julie @ Running in a Skirt recently posted…Crock Pot Vegetarian Baked Potato SoupMy Profile

    February 23, 2017 at 7:40 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      Thank you, lady. ANd someone I DEFINITELY see as a warrior!

      February 24, 2017 at 2:01 pm
  • Reply Gretchen

    I feel like it’s so easy for everyone to get in the habit of saying that they aren’t a warrior in one way or another just because someone has it worse than them. Just because your struggles and issues with infertility aren’t as dramatic or long-lasting as someone else’s doesn’t downplay your pain and suffering. I think it’s important to realize that what you’re going through is hard for you, and not compare your journey with someone else. You are a warrior, superhero, idol, amazing woman in my eyes!
    Gretchen recently posted…Best Yoga Videos for RunnersMy Profile

    February 23, 2017 at 7:40 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      And you are in mine!

      February 24, 2017 at 2:01 pm
  • Reply kat

    Yes you are a warrior. You are also a superhero, a motivation and an inspiration. None of those labels should bother you because I myself have just given them to you – so just accept them 😉
    No but seriously, so often we don’t give ourselves enough credit [and sometimes thats ok too] but with this? No, with this you go ahead and call yourself whatever you want. You go ahead and pat yourself on the back. You go ahead and puff out that chest if need be. Becase you ARE a warrior. Because you ARE an inspiration. And you ARE kicking ass every step of the way. Sure, labeling it doesn’t really matter. You are going to be kickass at it whether you believe you are a warrior or not – however don’t sell yourself short either. <3
    kat recently posted…TOL #122 – Firsts, Frequents & FinallyMy Profile

    February 23, 2017 at 8:16 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      Kat, you are a gem. Thank you so much. Love you.

      February 24, 2017 at 2:00 pm
  • Reply Kelli @ Hungry Hobby

    If you run, you are a runner, yes? If you are dealing with infertility, then you are an infertility warrior. No other title would suffice. The fact that you share your extremely personal story with the world in order to benefit other women makes you a warrior.
    Kelli @ Hungry Hobby recently posted…Day in the Life + Six Pack Bag ReviewMy Profile

    February 23, 2017 at 8:21 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      Thanks, love. I guess I’m having Impostor syndrome right now.

      February 24, 2017 at 1:59 pm
  • Reply Michelle

    I think you are amazing. I am a “stuck in a career the military chose for me for a quarter of a century warrior” and its starting to suck the joy from my soul, so every day is a challenge to not let my joy be stolen.
    Michelle recently posted…Spicy broccoli puree’My Profile

    February 23, 2017 at 8:26 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      So you are a joy warrior! Or maybe you need to become one. You have so much to be joyful for, but I also know how tired you are of fighting.

      February 24, 2017 at 1:59 pm
  • Reply Emily

    Hmmm…. Sometimes I Struggle with feeling that I am a recovered warrior from an ED< but I know that by the grace of God I am. I think you are a fertility warrior Susie; you've opened up yourself and shared so many things about how difficult it is to conceive, and I've been amazed to think about how much of an amazing process fertility really is, and how it can be taken for granted.
    Emily recently posted…Why This Dietitian (To Be) Would Eat A Brownie (Podcast #6)My Profile

    February 23, 2017 at 8:52 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      Thank you, Emily. Thank you so much.

      February 24, 2017 at 1:58 pm
  • Reply Betsy

    Hugs. My son was conceived through IVF and I know the struggle all too well. It’s emotionally and physically draining. You ARE a warrior.
    Betsy recently posted…Comment on Stitch Fix Review #31: January 2017 by Stitch Fix ReviewMy Profile

    February 23, 2017 at 9:05 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      And I think that you as the Everyday Warrior would know! Thank you.

      February 24, 2017 at 1:57 pm
  • Reply Sarah

    Oh man, there is so much to unpack here. So many of us, especially women, struggle with “imposter syndrome.” The state recognizes me as a licensed architect, and I call myself one, but sometimes I feel like a sham because there’s still so much left for me to learn. So do I really deserve that title, of architect? Of preservationist? I’m just “faking it till I make it” as they say. And then of course with infertility, you have the added layer that it’s not a “club” you want to be a part of. You didn’t choose this, and if everything had gone well, you wouldn’t be debating whether you can call yourself a warrior in this specific way. And yet here we are. I think your runner analogy is spot on, and you can’t compare your struggle to that of others – it’s not a “who has it worst” competition (but you know all that). So my take is that if calling yourself a warrior empowers you and gives you strength as you go through this journey, then call yourself a warrior! But if it’s just a label and doesn’t feel right, then that’s okay too.

    February 23, 2017 at 1:22 pm
    • Reply suzlyfe

      I didn’t even think about this as impostor syndrome, but it totally is. You nailed it. #nailedit I tell you. I feel impostor syndrome in other areas of my life as well. Something to unpack at therapy for sure. LOVE YOU

      February 24, 2017 at 1:57 pm
  • Reply Laura @ This Runner's Recipes

    You are a warrior! Other people’s struggles don’t define your negate your own – you define your journey. I hope the second round of IVF goes well for you!
    Laura @ This Runner’s Recipes recently posted…In Bend, Oregon: Where to Run and What to DoMy Profile

    February 23, 2017 at 1:52 pm
    • Reply suzlyfe

      Thanks, Laura! xoxoox

      February 24, 2017 at 1:55 pm
  • Reply Ashley @ A Lady Goes West

    You are TOTALLY a Warrior! And I am wishing you all the IVF good luck that is possible to wish, my friend!
    Ashley @ A Lady Goes West recently posted…San Francisco MOMA visit, good food, the weekend and my weekly workoutsMy Profile

    February 23, 2017 at 2:55 pm
    • Reply suzlyfe

      Thank you, Ashley! I will see you soon!!!

      February 24, 2017 at 1:55 pm
  • Reply Kathryn @ Dancing to Running

    Keep your head held high. I wish you and your hubby nothing but the best of luck throughout the process. I know that it isn’t easy, but the end result will be so worth it.
    Kathryn @ Dancing to Running recently posted…Marathon Training Plan AdviceMy Profile

    February 23, 2017 at 7:35 pm
    • Reply suzlyfe

      Thank you so much, Kathryn. We will keep fighting!

      February 24, 2017 at 1:54 pm
  • Reply Catherine @ A Cup of Catherine

    My post today was kind of on a (relatively frivolous) topic of labels and whether I fit them.

    I think you are absolutely a warrior – in many ways. Just by sharing your struggles and encouraging others you are a warrior. I totally get the idea of feeling like a fraud. I feel that way when I am depressed or struggling with anxiety. Like how could I struggle when I’ve lived a charmed life and there are people who’ve lived through several traumatic experiences who dont struggle with depression?!

    I guess that’s why labels suck sometimes. 😉 Good luck with round two! <3
    Catherine @ A Cup of Catherine recently posted…Am I A Healthy Living Blogger?My Profile

    February 23, 2017 at 8:35 pm
    • Reply suzlyfe

      And that is why I try so hard to not have labels on my life. I don’t need a label to know who I am.

      February 24, 2017 at 1:54 pm
  • Reply Hannah

    Thinking positive Yoshi thoughts for round 2!

    For me, “warrior” feels like a really loaded term. I hear “autoimmune warrior” a lot…but to me a warrior means someone who fights, who pushes through fatigue, who gets their job done no matter the cost…and those are things that usually come naturally to me, but also the exact opposite of what I need to do! I think I need to try being something else, like…a monk?
    Hannah recently posted…Favorite links: long readsMy Profile

    February 23, 2017 at 9:09 pm
    • Reply suzlyfe

      Do you have to shave your head for that? And wear itchy robes? But I do think that you raise an interesting point.

      February 24, 2017 at 1:52 pm
  • Reply Jen @ Chase the Red Grape

    I spoke about unleashing your inner warrior this is week on my 5 top tips on a Tuesday and I think it’s important to remember that yes your inner warrior is a fighter but they are also your protector, your hero and the person inside of you that inspires and drives you.
    Trusting yourself throughout this process means you will be unleashing your Suz warrior. Maybe she isn’t an infertility warrior, more that this is just one battle your warrior has to face and guide you through within your journey 🙂
    Jen @ Chase the Red Grape recently posted…Friday Favourites + Episode 16 of the Chase the Red Grape PodcastMy Profile

    February 24, 2017 at 12:47 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      Such a great reminder! I totally forgotten that you had JUST written about that! Perfect. Thank you, Jen!

      February 24, 2017 at 1:51 pm
  • Reply Lisa @ Mile by Mile

    This is definitely an interesting question. My initial reaction is to say of course you are a warrior, having struggled at all and now fighting through the process. But labels are so weird, especially ones without specific criteria. If being an infertility warrior can put a positive spin on the experience for you, then allow it to do that. I dont think its a matter of going through something for a certain amount of time or experiencing a certain amount of disappointment, but its a reflection of your perception of the process. There is no doubt you are a warrior in so many ways, and this is just one example of that.
    Lisa @ Mile by Mile recently posted…February 2017 Stridebox ReviewMy Profile

    February 24, 2017 at 4:03 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      I definitely think it comes down to whether or not it is beneficial for you. I guess I worry that I haven’t “earned” it

      February 24, 2017 at 1:51 pm
  • Reply Suzlyfe's mommy, Clare

    Just a quick thought from mom (like that’s ever happened!)
    I’m not very fond of labels that can be negative, in any way. You didn’t want to be thought of as a “sick kid” when you were diagnosed with Crohns. You were a kid…with a chronic illness. I have tried never to label you, as you didn’t want that.

    Conceiving a baby is not easy, raising one is even harder!

    But somewhere in the back of my mind, I don’t see the birth of a baby as the end of the war.
    I see it more like I see a wedding, it’s the beginning. A couple gets engaged, they start to plan for their future as a family. They exchange vows at a wedding, with friends and family to celebrate as they begin their new life as a couple……..but that walk back down the aisle in the lovely dress with new rings and glowing happiness isn’t the end, it’s just the beginning…..of a new life together! It’s not a war that has been won, it’s the start of a new way of living.
    Perhaps I’m being too harsh. When a warrior wins her war, she comes back home and goes back to work, driving carpool, and doing the laundry, The birth of a baby is not the end of a war, it’s really the start of a whole new set of battles that get won and lost on a daily basis. Some days you win the battles, some days you don’t, but life keeps showing up and putting new “challenges” in front of you.

    February 24, 2017 at 8:47 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      I don’t think there will ever been the end of the war. And I am ok with it. We have to fight, to live. We have to fight for ourselves. Never surrender. Detente, maybe, but not surrender.

      February 24, 2017 at 1:33 pm
  • Reply Danielle @ The T-Rex Runner

    I think if carrying the title of “Infertility Warrior” is helpful for you mentally or makes you feel less alone, than it is something worth adopting! If it doesn’t serve you emotionally, though, then it isn’t. No one has the right to tell you that you haven’t experienced enough disappointment or spent enough time trying or whatever. You decide what makes you a warrior!
    Danielle @ The T-Rex Runner recently posted…The Most Beautiful Place in the World: Milford Sound, New ZealandMy Profile

    February 24, 2017 at 9:53 am
    • Reply suzlyfe

      I totally agree. We will see what I think as we continue down this road.

      February 24, 2017 at 1:28 pm
  • Reply Suzlyfe's mommy, Clare

    One more thought for this—–then I’ll be quiet—
    I looked at “Infertility Warrior” as a label, but I should look at it as a title.

    Those two words are very different, aren’t they?

    February 24, 2017 at 12:06 pm
  • Reply Michelle

    Joy warrior it is! That’ll be my new mantra! I’ve been thinking about changing the name of my blog/page and that just might be a front runner! <3
    Michelle recently posted…Spicy broccoli puree’My Profile

    February 24, 2017 at 2:05 pm
  • Reply Michelle


    February 24, 2017 at 2:19 pm
  • Reply San

    I think we’re all warriors in one way or another… if your battle is infertility right now, you’re an infertility warrior. I don’t think you’ve had to have a certain number of battle rounds to be legit. On the other hand, if you don’t like the label, don’t wear it. Can’t we just all decide what we want to be labeled as? 😉
    San recently posted…Currently | FebruaryMy Profile

    February 25, 2017 at 7:53 pm
    • Reply suzlyfe

      I think so, San. I think so!

      February 26, 2017 at 11:13 am
  • Reply Kristy from Southern In Law

    I think you’re just Suz. You’re doing tough things and incredible things and hard things and emotional things and wonderful things and you’re doing them in your own way. Just be you, girl – you’re the only one who can write your story <3
    Kristy from Southern In Law recently posted…Recipe: Healthy Tiramisu Baked Oatmeal (Vegan!)My Profile

    February 26, 2017 at 5:51 pm
    • Reply suzlyfe

      You are so right, and perfectly put.

      February 28, 2017 at 8:44 pm
  • Reply March: A Girl with Guts – Girls With Guts

    […] I am an Infertility Warrior. But am I? […]

    March 24, 2017 at 7:37 pm
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