More so than ever, right now I am focusing on giving myself grace, cutting myself some slack.
Dealing with infertility, big fat negatives, and ADHD will do that to you.
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to blog for today. But I realized that I needed to get my words out, to get some feelings out. Yes, I know that right now I am butchering the Oxford comma, but I think that it will forgive me. I hope that it will give me some grace.
Giving Myself Grace
I mentioned a few weeks ago that I had realized how much my struggles with ADHD were really affecting my life, my career, how I viewed myself and understood my ambition. In short, I started to realize that the winding road that my career and life has taken, particularly over the past few years, was not the “fault” of some deep rooted character flaw. Instead, my lack of focus is much more straightforward (hashtag ironic): it is the proliferation of my childhood struggle with ADHD in my adult life.
Perhaps you can tell by that paragraph that ADHD is still very much an issue. ^^^^proof.
After that conversation with my therapist, that conversation with you guys, I found myself actually doing much better, ADHD-wise. The realization helped me realize how much I needed to get out of the house that to use caffeine as a crutch for the time being. When I would have one of my major distracted-can’t-concentrate-staring-at-a-blank-screen-moments, I would say, “Ok, you are having an ADHD moment. Relax. Figure out if you want to work around it, or if you want to let it just be.”
And then there was the transfer weekend and transfer week, and let’s just say that distraction and subconscious fear took over.
I let myself go a bit ham on sugar last week. Not crazy crazy, but definitely a bit too much in the + category. But I knew that it was the least of the battles that I was facing. Case in point? Big dinner > Yogurtland > half a bag of Robin Eggs. TOTALLY unnecessary, mentally or physically. But I needed the grace to just relinquish control, to give into the emotion.
Friday morning, I woke up, the day was overcast and gray, and I just didn’t want to play. So, I gave myself the grace to accept what I was going through, have breakfast right after breakfast, and take a nap. Yes, I very much realize how fortunate I am to be able to do that, but on the other hand, I kind of wish that I had a mindless job to take my mind off of things. Pluses and minuses to both.
Sunday morning, as I walked back from the doctor and talked to my mom, she made me realize how much I am up against right now: hormones, chemical imbalances that result in mood disorders (ADHD, Anxiety, Depression), the rigors of IVF itself, infertility, the realness and fear of never getting pregnant, the feelings that I am going through of a total lack of focus, being untethered, not knowing who I am or where I am going. And she gave me the permission that I needed to give myself the grace to forgive myself for my “unacceptable” lack of focus and perceived lack of productivity.
When I heard about the negative test not that long after, I gave myself the grace to break down. To cry like a Kim Kardashian meme (Thank you Kristy for that visual) and, for once, to not be strong. I gave myself the grace to go for a run and decide during the run just how far I would go. And then have pizza, beer, and ice cream for dinner and spend the night watching documentaries instead of my taxes.
Monday, I woke a gross day, and by midday, all I wanted was to hide under a comforter and eat my chocolate chip banana muffins. I felt deflated; I was a shell of myself.
Thanks to a call with Mom (so you can blame her). I did something I’ve not done before: I canceled on my afternoon clients. At first, I thought that I needed to power through, but I knew that I would just be phoning it in. Above all, but I needed to see Alex, who was coming home just as I would have been leaving.
Right now, I am giving myself grace, giving myself permission to grieve, to listen to my emotions.Are you giving yourself enough grace during the ups and downs of life? #infertility #mentalhealth Click To Tweet
I can “Rise and Grind” later. Warriors cry, too. The hustle will always be there. I’ve ignored it for a while, a bit longer won’t hurt. I know that seeing Alex will help.
I can send him out for tampons. (Because that is always funny, and, unfortunately, this time it is necessary).
I want to tell you all thank you so, so much. I am going through something that is so private in a very public way, but I am able to do so because YOU all are so amazing. Thank you for being there for me, and please understand that I see and hear and appreciate each and every comment, email, text, virtual hug, and/or prayer that is sent my way. Particularly on a weekend that you all knew that I would be alone–I never felt alone. I am so grateful for you (yes, you).
How are you giving yourself grace right now? ARE you giving yourself grace?
Linking up with Amanda for Thinking out Loud