I hope that this departure from normal isn’t the New Normal.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but yesterday (Wednesday) was a bit of rough one. It didn’t start off terribly, but it was more of a slow burn away of the willpower I had to maintain a positive perspective and energy.
Edited to add: since writing this, I’m feeling better. I got a better night of sleep, and I think pouring all of this out there helped me. I almost went in and self censored and took it down, but isn’t life (and progress) and showing the entire scope of the journey?
For one thing, this whole waiting-for-
Godot my prince to come tonight (oho) my beta blood test (explanation here) is just really wearing on me. Not in a hair-tearing, I’m freaking out and needing to clean everything, or I’m freaking out and having an anxiety attack, way, but in an “I’ve gone through the whole spectrum of emotions since last Wednesday (from hope to anxiety to calm to resignation to indifference and now to I don’t even know what)” way. And now I am at this place where I don’t know what to do with myself.
And I KNOW I am not the first person to go through this, and I am, by and large, handling the whole shebang rather well, but that doesn’t mean that it is completely handled, or that this isn’t bothering me. I think, more so than ever before, I am realizing just how long 4 weeks can be.
For f***ing ever, that is how long.
Keep busy. Watch Netflix. Enjoy the rest and relaxation.
I so appreciate everyone’s support and suggestions, but right now, when it feels like the world is going to hell in a handbasket (or at least the US), the weather is gray and disgusting, and I can’t for the life of me get the creative juices flowing… well, things feel a bit bleak.
And it hasn’t even been a week… of any of it. Well, it has been a week since the transfer, but not since the inauguration and the gross weather (which we had a brief reprieve of on Saturday).
To cap that off, I feel physically weak. Long story short, but let’s just say that I had to hoist up and transport my dog under my arm the other day, and what normally would have felt like an afterthought was a forethought after about 15 seconds. I went to do a few push ups, and a fraction of what I normally do felt like work.
Normal. Right now, I feel displaced from it. We aren’t having “normal” Chicago winter weather (which, as insane as it is, is at the very least, predictably insane). I feel like the normal that I have come to enjoy politically (again, insane, but at least not to the wolves), has gone out the window, and I fear for what is to come.
And yes, even in vitro fertilization is threatened. I’m not joking. And… as much as I want to believe that it won’t go through… there are a lot of things that prove what we thought we could expect can’t be expected any more.
I know that the days until I hear anything will pass slowly, but I also know that the days will pass even more slowly (or perhaps all too fast) for those in direct contact with these various bills.
Right now, I feel as if everything is on the precipice. That we are all straddling a line.
And I just want anyone out there who feels the same way to know, you are not alone. We may have different reasons for feeling like we are on the brink, but we are sharing similar feelings. You are not alone.
And at the end of the day?
I Choose Love. No matter what.
Tell me one completely superficial thing that you are thankful for today. I am thankful for dry shampoo.
Tell me something meaningful that you are thankful for. That, no matter what happens, I am surrounded by people I love and who love me.
Thank you to Amanda for the Thinking Out Loud Link up